When it comes to money, our emotions often drive the decisions we make and that’s especially true in military life, where constant change, separation, and stress can shape how we spend, save, and communicate with those we love. But if we don’t understand our financial behaviors, we can find ourselves repeating the same mistakes over and over, leading us to feel stuck.
In this episode, I discuss the world of behavioral finance with Cherie Stueve and how it applies to military households. We talk about why comparison is a financial trap, how our upbringing influences our money habits, and the surprising role of intensity in financial arguments. Cherie offers practical advice and small steps you can take today to make smarter money moves.
Cherie Stueve, PhD, CFP®, AFC®, FFC®, FBS®, CAP®, is a lifelong learner and financial educator, counselor, coach, planner, and researcher. During her spouse’s 20-year Coast Guard career, Cherie navigated frequent relocations before portal, virtual career and education options. That experience drives her commitment to helping military spouses build flexible, resilient careers in personal finance. For the past three years, she and her spouse, Tim have supported scholarships for military spouses to attend conferences and pursue professional development, including MilMoneyCon.
With over 15 years of experience, Cherie has led more than 6,000 one-on-one counseling and coaching sessions and taught hundreds of students. She currently serves as a Senior Content Lead at Dalton Education and teaches the FINRA Foundation Military Spouse Fellowship cohort each fall, preparing participants for the Accredited Financial Counselor® exam. Throughout the year, she mentors military spouses and new professionals, as well as partners with nonprofits to provide pro bono financial education and coaching. She is dedicated to increasing the financial wellness and confidence in military and civilian households.
Comparison Is the First Money Trap
In the military, pay and benefits are clearly outlined and transparent. That can create a false sense of comparison. Why does that family have more? How can they afford a nicer house or better vacations?
The truth is, we rarely know what’s going on behind the scenes. Maybe they’re in debt. Maybe they have outside help. Or maybe their financial priorities are just different. The same goes for comparing to civilian friends and family. Yes, they may have the same hairdresser for ten years or never had to find a new pediatrician. But they also pay thousands for healthcare and don’t have the support system that military life can provide.
Focus on your own goals. Stop chasing someone else’s version of success. Financial peace starts when you stop keeping score.
How Your Money Story Shows Up in Your Relationship
Most people don’t realize how much their upbringing influences their money decisions until they’re partnered with someone who was raised differently.
Military couples often come from different states or countries. That means different values, habits, and assumptions. You might think you’re arguing about spending or savings, but you’re actually clashing over deeper beliefs about security or independence.
Cherie points to the work of Brad Klontz on money scripts and Dr. Megan McCoy on “money dates” as tools to help couples communicate better. Regular, low-stakes conversations help reduce conflict and keep both people engaged. Talking about money isn’t a one-time thing. It’s a lifelong conversation.
Related: Military Spouses: Protect Your Family with a Margin of Safety
Timing Matters: Don’t Talk Money in the Middle of a Meltdown
Ever tried to talk about finances when you or your partner is fried from the day? Not the best idea.
Cherie shares a powerful metaphor from Jonathan Haidt’s The Happiness Hypothesis: the rider and the elephant. Your logical brain is the rider, your emotional brain is the elephant. When you’re tired, stressed, or emotionally charged, the elephant is in charge. That is not the time to make big decisions or have deep conversations.
Instead, find your “rider times”, when both of you are calm, rested, and ready to think clearly. For some, that’s Saturday mornings. For others, it’s after dinner on a weekday. The key is to be intentional about when you talk so your conversations are productive, not reactive.
Military Separation Complicates Financial Communication
Deployments, trainings, and TDYs create gaps in communication. One partner might be at home handling emergencies while the other is away with limited contact. That creates room for misunderstanding, judgment, and conflict.
Cherie suggests journaling or keeping notes when you make financial decisions during those times. Not as a report card, but as a tool for shared understanding later. Approach post-deployment financial conversations with grace, not criticism. Everyone’s doing the best they can with what they have in the moment.
Behavioral Finance Tip: Start Small and Make It Visual
Big goals feel overwhelming when they aren’t broken down. Cherie uses the “peanut butter and jelly sandwich” analogy, even simple tasks require multiple steps. The same goes for saving money or paying down debt.
Start with one action step, like opening a high-yield savings account. Then decide where the money will come from and when to automate the transfer. Write it down. Use sticky notes. Make it visual. Celebrate progress.
Consistency over time wins. As James Clear says in Atomic Habits, small habits compound into big change.
Give Yourself Grace for Past Money Mistakes
If you’ve made mistakes with money, welcome to the club. Most of us weren’t taught how to manage money, and many people are trying to learn as adults.
Cherie encourages writing a forgiveness letter to yourself. Understand that most financial decisions were made with the information and capacity you had at the time. That doesn’t mean you’re bad with money. It means you’re human. Learn, reset, and move forward.
Money is emotional because it touches everything freedom, safety, choices. But those emotions don’t have to control you. You can grow past them.
Related: Having Difficult Money Conversations
AI as a Financial Brainstorming Tool
While it’s no replacement for a human financial coach or planner, Cherie sees AI tools as helpful brainstorming partners. They can help you outline savings goals, break down big financial tasks, or role-play tough conversations. Just be sure to double-check the math.
For military families with complex lives and limited time, tools like ChatGPT or NotebookLM can be a helpful way to get unstuck and move forward.
Wrapping It Up
Behavioral finance isn’t just for academics. It’s for every military family navigating PCS moves, deployments, promotions, and stress. Your habits and emotions drive your decisions more than any budgeting app ever will.
Start by noticing your patterns. Be kind to yourself. Break big goals into small steps. Talk to your partner regularly and with patience. And above all, know that progress is possible not by being perfect, but by being consistent.
Every smart money move you make begins with one decision. Make that decision today.
Resources
- Cherie Stueve on LinkedIn
- Dalton Education
- The Psychology of Money by Morgan Housel
- The Millionaire Mind by Thomas J. Stanley
- Atomic Habits by James Clear
- The Automatic Millionaire by David Bach
- Making Money Simple by Peter Lazaroff
- NotebookLM
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